You may already be curious as you read the title; whose ego is being explored and for what purpose?
Well, I will clarify.
The ego being explored is my own. I have decided to write this piece for a multitude of reasons, all are of my own.
It is my ego that will be explored because it is my greatest concern that to write on such a subject as ego, one must first recognize the existence of their own. I write this as an experiment, testing my own knowledge of myself.
As a warning, please do not assume that in any way I have written this with any other intention. I say this to ensure, that if at any point you feel some relation to what I’m saying, please allow this experience of self-analysis to be yours and yours alone.
I
It is my personal belief that the ego is never separate from who we are as human beings and that it is a necessity to our overall development. It is also my belief that the study of one's own ego is in fact a study of you, right through to your deepest consciousness.
Within all of our deepest consciousness exists an understanding of things far beyond our current comprehension. Only by studying and exploring deeper and deeper into our ego can we begin to see with the clarity required to experience such understanding.
This is not a discussion about God, nor is it a discussion about me and my ego. It is for me an outlet, an action, a way of seeing myself. A mirror if you will.
II
Quite often I find myself remembering an interaction with a friend or even a complete stranger and realizing that my actions or behavior may have caused some hurt and discomfort. I ask myself, especially when I have done this to a friend or loved one.
“Why was I able to be so insensitive? Why am I able to look back on myself behaving that way, and yet be completely unaware of what I was doing at the time?”
I can see I’ve been an insensitive cock, but only well after the incident.
Equally worrying is that at the time, no one seems to say how they are being affected by my behavior. In the past I figured,
“If they don’t notice, then why should I care?”
The whole situation now really bugs me.
I know that all in all I’m not an angry, nasty or vindictive person. So why does it seem so easy for me to be so insensitive?
Especially to those I love and care about.
And most of all, why can't I stop?
Asking myself this hasn’t helped me become more sensitive, nor has it given me any definitive ways to find sense in myself. But by asking myself this question I was able to discover a part of me that until recently I didn’t know existed.
When I talk of my ego, it might seem tricky at times to see it with the same familiarity as I do. At times it may take on its own identity. Id like to say to you and to myself that when this does occur, that my ego is in no way separate to who I am right now. Nor will it ever be.
In fact, I believe that my ego at this point is my identity; it’s my name, my history, my experiences and almost everything that I know of myself.
So how can it be, that this ego of mine seems capable of inhibiting my ability to love and respect those around me?
III
Life is never easy for anyone. All of us have our wounds to bear. No one is free of feeling pain during times of hardship, loss or injustice. At times we may even believe that these are the moments that make us.
They are our history, they are completely our own and they can not be questioned nor understood by anyone other then you!
I want to be clear that I have no interest in questioning your experiences. I have no place to do so. I do on the other hand wish to question mine.
When I was born I was given a name like everyone else. I was then told about the world through the eyes of my parents, my society and my culture. All of these beliefs, views and facts about the world were given to me before I had the ability to decide what beliefs where my own and which ones where someone else’s.
So from the very beginning I had a picture of the world created entirely from other peoples perspectives.
Not until I was aged 7 was able to begin my own evaluation of who I was, what I wanted and who I wanted to be.
Until then I was just a community message board.
The question for me now is:
“How much influence did my entry into the world have on who I am now?”
The only answer I can come to seems to be, all of me!
To me this is what my ego is, a build up of all my past experiences and all the emotions that come with them. It is my history, right back to when my parents placed a name on me. When I understood this to be true, I realised that my past was actively influencing my future. My past could create anger at times when I otherwise could be happy and it could create confusion when otherwise, things could be clear.
In every moment my ego, my past, is influencing my actions.
So vast is my mind's history that it seems impossible to see its influences as they act.
Such confusion is caused by this conflict between past and present that it is almost impossible for me to notice when one is in action and the other not. I’m tired of being tied to my history. I’m tired of stumbling backwards into the present. I want to be able to turn my back on my history with honour, knowing who I am and where I have come from.
But I want to be able to interact with this world knowing that in every moment I am present and conscious. I want to love freely, feel my emotions come and go with no hesitation or hindrance. I don’t want to be blindly insensitive to the people around me anymore.
I’ve written this as much to myself as to anyone else. Where it goes from here, I just don’t know.
If you were interested in this very personal investigation into the ego and its impact on development, why not shoot us back a response to tell us what you think.
Khedra Cloud is head of Business Development at HomepageDAILY and he is currently working hard to market, advertise and optimise the site.