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Car Grieving

Most of us have done it. Weeping, crying, emoting in the car. While this is an intensely private occasion, it is much more widespread than we had assumed. And now it has a name: car grieving. Psychotherapist RENATE OGILVIE explains the phenomenon.

Such is the isolation of modern man and woman that our car is now the best place for allowing our most profound and shaking emotions to express themselves.

Sociology has recently turn its jaded eye on the phenomenon of our behaviour in the car, and a brilliant new book - Traffic by Tom Vanderbilt - has just been published on what we do behind the wheel of a car which has become an instant  bestseller in the States. This is not a big surprise for a country dominated by the motor vehicle, but this is not the predictable study of roads and traffic patterns one expects.

Tom Vanderbilt's look at our behaviour when driving has many intriguing details despite the apparent dryness of the topic. For example: new cars crash more often than old ones; the safer we feel the worse we drive; removing all road safety features like signs and railing actually improves driver behaviour and therefore safety.

Traffic is a study of human behaviour under unique circumstances - isolation yet constant interaction, aggression combined with trust and cooperation, reduction of communication to signs and gestures, frustration, fear and rage without direct human contact.

But the most intriguing of all is the phenomenon of grieving while driving. Ask around and you will find that practically everybody has done it. Car grieving is fast becoming an important and unique aspect of modern life, where self-regulation of behaviour and self-soothing is increasingly a problem.

Some weep while they drive along and allow the veil of tears to blur the road. Others howl in deserted car parks, cry in the arms of friends or lovers, or sob along with favourite songs.

We are only watched by researchers' cameras, or by fellow drivers stopped at traffic lights who might catch a brief glimpse, not long enough to cause us social embarrassment. In our car we feel shielded from The Gaze of the Other, once described by Jean-Paul Sartre as the cause of all neurotic suffering.

The car is a kind of womb, privacy, refuge and an extension of our home. Mercedes Benz drivers were once told this in a memorable advert, which included the suggestion to play Mozart for the complete scenario. And who would not find it easy to shed tears while listening to the andante of the Master‘s piano concerto No 21, K467.

We are increasingly cocooned in solipsistic technology - iPods, car interiors, the parallel reality of Second Life, chat rooms and text messages. Car grieving is only logical. It feels less catastrophic than weeping in our sitting rooms yet strangely dramatic and real, somehow more appropriate to the suffering we feel than the familiar surroundings of our home.

There is something romantic about crying in a car as we speed through a perceived normalcy where other people are happily pursuing their daily tasks. However, they too maybe suffering. In fact, we may be passing other vehicles of grief where unbeknownst to us a fellow weeper is wrestling with tears.

Now that sociology has given us the label and with it the definition of the phenomenon, we might begin to exchange stories of grieving in cars, a modern take on our age-old yearning for a private cave when everything is just too much.

 [Traffic by Tom Vanderbilt, Allen Lane 2008]

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After a genocide or massacre there's a simple refrain that always rings out from the international community:

"Never Again"

It's a powerful statement, and one that's meant to show that we as a world are united for good.

Unfortunately, a lot of the reason why we say "never again" is because the tragedy that has just occurred could have been stopped.

The Holocaust, the Khmer Rouge massacres, Darfur, Srebrenica, Rwanda, the Congo are all examples of this, and prove the saying that "all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing".

So, in the days to come, as we learn more of the Nigerian Massacre it would be nice to hear that this will never happen again; but in a country that few know about (apart from its oil) and a continent that remains in darkness- don't expect that never will last forever.

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